Carousel 64
you let me stay at your house
when i came back for my big reunion
let me stay in the room with the sitar
and the tabla, the pictures of you
fulbright scholar with indira gandhi,
you were so bright, so innovative
bringing music to the classroom
opening thousands of minds.
but now your great sadness your many wounds
your bowel eviscerated, your face distorted
your cancer managed
you ask me to put salve on your eyelid,
awkward at first, then i realize
i am praying as i caress
the tiny stitches holding in a gold weight so
you can blink, the rough stitches above your eye,
black and hard sewn to raise your eye
to raise your spirits
but your sadness weighs you down
you weigh what i did in junior high
we go for an autumn walk
around the block once is all you can handle
you have little strength, little appetite.
your house is pretty it’s color coordinated
it’s almost current
i see workings of your other wife
but your house is silent
she is gone from here
you have the rabbits minnie and rosie
they groom each other as
sunlight pours into the room where they huddle
side by side, black and white
like two mismatched bunny slippers
so soft, so gentle, so quiet
you let them live free
the house is a cage as it is yours
you go out the back door feed
the birds out of your hand
you are saint francis gentle gentle.
but there is anger there too
you want your face back
you want your life back
you want to ride your suzuki
pierce the quietude of schenectady
you want to play your six-string
you want to plug in your peavey amp
you want to sing the beatles, sing the stones.
stonehenge, the coliseum, we reminisce our youth together
we had paris but you stayed below at the tower
we dropped the keys in gaudi’s barcelona
changing of the guards when the old lady fainted
you find the dusty kodak carousel
while i make chicken and cous cous
we tell cathy and ron about
camping in the alps the goat ate the matches
the cows licked the windows of that green renault
so high up freezing glacial stream
alpine july night millions of stars close as a blanket
then to basel take a picture of your mother’s house.
warm up at the roman forum in a hundred and ten heat
the only people there ‘cept that guy with green teeth
and remember that lone bagpiper set against the crags of glencoe
camp along loch ness those three guys with two guitars from glasgow
couldn’t understand a word, burrs as thick as tree trunks
tell us our campfire burned up all the firewood in scotland
when you start strummin’ we harmonize on every beatles tune
we are universal we understand each other
your band name was ‘the common man’
sing till the sun comes up and the birds chirp
it’s only three o’clock.
they give us a parting gift of blood puddin’.
we took the tent down that bloody mistral blowing
can’t sleep, uncomfortable in the south of france
let’s go to spain so we drive the pyrenees at night
impulsive americans, pitch black, no guard rails, sheer cliffs,
fog comes in can’t see a thing finally park and rest
come sunup we’re perched on a precipice above a spanish village
sunday morning church bells
it is our third anniversary.
we cross checkpoint charlie the berlin wall armed guards
sign says achtung seventy people died here
you boldly take a picture
the no man’s land between east and west.
but now you have your own no man’s land
caught between living and dying by degrees
but the spirit has to stay strong
to survive this thing
your house silent as rabbits
both wives out of your life
but know that so many have loved you
you need them now.
i head back down the thruway
the through way back to my life that i have made
i go forward i get my check ups
come away clean as a whistle.
but you are there in your nice little home
your sitar and motorcycle covered, waiting
i’m sorry, so sorry. i did what i could
brought herbal teas, cooked some meals
and so old love wish you well
you gave me the kodak carousel
the endless circle of decades-old memories
i will scan i will label i will help you relive
but i cannot make you well
you have to push away the dark thoughts
summon the will
did you still need me
i tried to feed you
and indeed, you just turned sixty-four.
